When we entered the hospital they took us straight back to Suite 5. The room was dimly lit and we just sat there in silence.
A few minutes later our nurse, Sara Repasy, came in the room. The first thing she did was hug me...she really hugged me and let me cry. It was exactly what I needed when I needed it.
Looking back I know that Sara was a gift from God and that he gave me the exact person that I needed in the exact time we needed her.
It was such a difficult first hour for us because we were facing decisions that we didn't know we would have to make.
Our baby was in the 2nd trimester and was fully developed as far as having every body part that you and I have. This made our situation a stillborn versus a miscarriage. Therefore, I was to give birth to the baby as if it was alive. Initial decisions:
- What do you want for pain? We decided on an epidural.
- Do you want a death certificate? We decided Yes for geneology purposes.
- Do you want the baby baptized? We decided No as the baby was already gone and with Jesus.
- Do you want to hold the baby? Yes
- Do you want the baby wrapped in a blanket? With a hat on? With an outfit on? Yes, Yes, Yes
- Do you want footprints or handprints of the baby? Yes.
- Do we want copies of the photos they take for their records? Yes.
- Do you want to meet with the chaplain? Yes.
These decisions weren't too difficult and I was slowly coming to peace with the fact that we would be able to meet our baby and have our time with he or she.
Sara told us that there would be more questions, but we could take our time with each one of them and even change our mind if we wanted to.
A little while later our friends from church showed up; Paul & Heidi Wilkins, our small group leaders, their son, John Paul and Jeff Jett, also from our small group. My Aunt Sue arrived as well.
The surrounded my hospital bed with Bob and laid their hands on me to pray. Each person took time to pray and when it came time for John Paul to pray, he wept. I've only met John Paul a few times and I was so touched for his compassion for our loss. Once he pulled it together, he prayed for our baby in such a way that gave me tremendous peace. It was as if God himself was telling me that our baby was okay and was with Him. In this moment, I felt God's presence as if He had his arms wrapped around us and was grieving with us.
Once our friends left, we met with the chaplain, Danny. He was a great pastor from New York City. It was neat to see his way of sharing the gospel with us as we missed church when we were in New York a few weeks ago.
At some point, someone brought us a teddy bear. This was part of the Peace Bear campaign where they give this precious teddy bear to those who lose children. This way they don't have to go home empty handed. This bear stayed in the hospital bed with me for the duration and when I slept or napped, I held onto this bear. Thankful for this gift.
It was a long night of checking for progress with the induction medication. There was no progress all night and I only had 2 hours of sleep. I was not able to eat any solids after lunch that day and was drinking chicken broth, eating Jell-o and sucking on popsicles all night.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Telling the Family
When we got home, Bob immediately took the kids upstairs.
I just remember hugging Kate & sobbing.
I told Aunt Martha, Aunt Sue, Dad & Joyce what had happened and then when I felt up to it, I went up to be with the kids.
Bob and I sat in the playroom with Elle on my lap reading a book. We told Ben & Boyd that we needed to talk to them. That our baby had gone to live with Jesus in heaven.
I swear Boyd became an 8 year old in that moment. He seemed so grown up to me and said, "So we don't get to build a crib?" We had never talked about building a crib, but his sweet mind must have thought about that. Then he said, "So, the baby is in heaven and not on this planet?" After that he said, "I really thought you guys were going to tell us the baby's name". He was fine throughout it and then excused himself to play Candyland with Aunt Martha.
Ben just studied our faces with watery eyes. He was most into this pregnancy talking about it all the time and sharing with his friends at school that mommy has a baby in her tummy. He turned around and played with his transformer.
I took Elle downstairs.
Ben saw Bob laying on the floor of the playroom and just said, "Daddy, I know you are upset." Bob said, "What's upset mean?" Ben said, "Like time out".
I came back upstairs to pack for the hospital and just fell the floor in my closet. I didn't want to give birth to our dead baby. I was overwhelmed with pain. Bob was hurting so bad as well which was foreign to me. He is always so strong and optimistic.
We pulled ourselves together and headed to the hospital. On our way to Southview Maternity we stopped at Barnes & Noble to buy a journal.
I just remember hugging Kate & sobbing.
I told Aunt Martha, Aunt Sue, Dad & Joyce what had happened and then when I felt up to it, I went up to be with the kids.
Bob and I sat in the playroom with Elle on my lap reading a book. We told Ben & Boyd that we needed to talk to them. That our baby had gone to live with Jesus in heaven.
I swear Boyd became an 8 year old in that moment. He seemed so grown up to me and said, "So we don't get to build a crib?" We had never talked about building a crib, but his sweet mind must have thought about that. Then he said, "So, the baby is in heaven and not on this planet?" After that he said, "I really thought you guys were going to tell us the baby's name". He was fine throughout it and then excused himself to play Candyland with Aunt Martha.
Ben just studied our faces with watery eyes. He was most into this pregnancy talking about it all the time and sharing with his friends at school that mommy has a baby in her tummy. He turned around and played with his transformer.
I took Elle downstairs.
Ben saw Bob laying on the floor of the playroom and just said, "Daddy, I know you are upset." Bob said, "What's upset mean?" Ben said, "Like time out".
I came back upstairs to pack for the hospital and just fell the floor in my closet. I didn't want to give birth to our dead baby. I was overwhelmed with pain. Bob was hurting so bad as well which was foreign to me. He is always so strong and optimistic.
We pulled ourselves together and headed to the hospital. On our way to Southview Maternity we stopped at Barnes & Noble to buy a journal.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Mother's Day
Mother's Day this year was a dark, dreary and rainy day. For several days prior, I had not been feeling like myself. I was ultra-sensitive and emotional. On the way to church that morning I actually turned around from the front seat and screamed at Boyd & Ben for continuing to make annoying noises with their guns. I couldn't figure out why I was so testy. We passed by the Miami Valley Memorial gardens on the way to church and there appeared to be a man with three young girls standing under and umbrella at a grave site. It was more than I could handle. I tried hard all through the service to feel the spirit and lift myself up, but it was difficult.
When we got home, my aunt Sue had come over and prepared lunch for everyone. Joyce and dad, Kate and Martha were all there. We ate a very nice meal.
At 12:45 we left to go meet Matt, Katie & her family for a 4D ultrasound at Bright Beginnings in Springboro. We had gotten a gift certificate for Matt & Katie for Matt's birthday in January. It was an exciting time to see their baby. I managed to feel a bit better seeing that little angel on the big screen.
After they left and we paid the owners, we asked if we could possibly find out the sex of our baby. They had no other appointments and we were going to be 16 weeks two days later. Barbie said, "I can get it. I know I can." We were very excited. We went back into the room and laid down on the bed while she began to scan our baby.
At first she stated that the baby was in a fetal position and asked me to get up and move around a bit. When I laid back down she tried again and quickly said, "If I were you, I would get to the hospital right away. I'm not picking up any heart tones".
The drive from Bright Beginnings to Sycamore Hospital was a blur. I don't remember any of it. I do remember that the doctors and nurses at the Sycamore ER were very compassionate and they saw us right away. I think we waited a total of 20 minutes until we had the ultrasound machine hooked up. Unlike the hospital in Florida, we were able to be together and we were able to see the monitor.
We could see the flat line on the heart monitor and they confirmed that the baby had other signs of death like a full bladder and swollen kidneys. They were so kind and printed out last pictures of our baby. They were not able to tell the sex because of the position of the baby. They estimated based on size that the baby had been dead for 4 or 5 days.
Bob and I cried together and then got dressed. In my mind, it made sense. My HCG levels must have been sinking hence the mood changes. My hormones were all over the place. I had also noticed in the few days previous that my bras weren't fitting which is a natural occurance when the body behaves as if I had given birth.
I got dressed and was ready to go home and be with my family when the doctor came in and shared that my life was at risk. I needed to give birth to the baby that night or the toxins in my womb could be lethal.
I felt numb.
When we got home, my aunt Sue had come over and prepared lunch for everyone. Joyce and dad, Kate and Martha were all there. We ate a very nice meal.
At 12:45 we left to go meet Matt, Katie & her family for a 4D ultrasound at Bright Beginnings in Springboro. We had gotten a gift certificate for Matt & Katie for Matt's birthday in January. It was an exciting time to see their baby. I managed to feel a bit better seeing that little angel on the big screen.
After they left and we paid the owners, we asked if we could possibly find out the sex of our baby. They had no other appointments and we were going to be 16 weeks two days later. Barbie said, "I can get it. I know I can." We were very excited. We went back into the room and laid down on the bed while she began to scan our baby.
At first she stated that the baby was in a fetal position and asked me to get up and move around a bit. When I laid back down she tried again and quickly said, "If I were you, I would get to the hospital right away. I'm not picking up any heart tones".
The drive from Bright Beginnings to Sycamore Hospital was a blur. I don't remember any of it. I do remember that the doctors and nurses at the Sycamore ER were very compassionate and they saw us right away. I think we waited a total of 20 minutes until we had the ultrasound machine hooked up. Unlike the hospital in Florida, we were able to be together and we were able to see the monitor.
We could see the flat line on the heart monitor and they confirmed that the baby had other signs of death like a full bladder and swollen kidneys. They were so kind and printed out last pictures of our baby. They were not able to tell the sex because of the position of the baby. They estimated based on size that the baby had been dead for 4 or 5 days.
Bob and I cried together and then got dressed. In my mind, it made sense. My HCG levels must have been sinking hence the mood changes. My hormones were all over the place. I had also noticed in the few days previous that my bras weren't fitting which is a natural occurance when the body behaves as if I had given birth.
I got dressed and was ready to go home and be with my family when the doctor came in and shared that my life was at risk. I needed to give birth to the baby that night or the toxins in my womb could be lethal.
I felt numb.
It's Complicated
In March, we were in Florida visiting Michelle and her family while celebrating Kyla's 6th birthday party. During the party I was photographing Bob with his siblings and mother when I knew something was wrong. I was 5 weeks pregnant with Tyler at this point.
We spent 7 hours in the ER in Brandon, Florida. Michelle was with us which made it special ~ so nice of her to support us during that scary time. Michelle had a miscarriage in 2011 and yet God provided her the desires of her heart when she welcomed Kellen Jeffrey only 11 months later.
To my complete surprise I hadn't miscarried! I couldn't believe it! I had never heard of such bleeding during pregnancy ~ I had heard of spotting, but not all out bleeding.
When we got home from Florida, we went up to the Cleveland Clinic to have an ultrasound. This is when we found out that we were pregnant with one baby, but were greatly saddened when the doctors were preparing us for the worst. I cried and prayed almost the entire way home from Cleveland. We were scheduled to go back to Cleveland a week later.
We came home and I reached out to others for prayer.
My sister, Bob & I went back to Cleveland a week later and the hematoma was smaller and the heartbeat had gone from only 105 to 175! What a joy!
We were so thankful that God had healed our baby!
Weeks went by and things continued to get better. We had several appointments and tests and the baby was thriving.
When we entered the 2nd trimester, we began the process of moving the kids bedrooms to make room for baby Westerfield. I thought we were having this baby. We decided to name the baby either Tyler Robert Westerfield or Kaitlyn Faith Westerfield <3
We spent 7 hours in the ER in Brandon, Florida. Michelle was with us which made it special ~ so nice of her to support us during that scary time. Michelle had a miscarriage in 2011 and yet God provided her the desires of her heart when she welcomed Kellen Jeffrey only 11 months later.
To my complete surprise I hadn't miscarried! I couldn't believe it! I had never heard of such bleeding during pregnancy ~ I had heard of spotting, but not all out bleeding.
When we got home from Florida, we went up to the Cleveland Clinic to have an ultrasound. This is when we found out that we were pregnant with one baby, but were greatly saddened when the doctors were preparing us for the worst. I cried and prayed almost the entire way home from Cleveland. We were scheduled to go back to Cleveland a week later.
We came home and I reached out to others for prayer.
My sister, Bob & I went back to Cleveland a week later and the hematoma was smaller and the heartbeat had gone from only 105 to 175! What a joy!
We were so thankful that God had healed our baby!
Weeks went by and things continued to get better. We had several appointments and tests and the baby was thriving.
When we entered the 2nd trimester, we began the process of moving the kids bedrooms to make room for baby Westerfield. I thought we were having this baby. We decided to name the baby either Tyler Robert Westerfield or Kaitlyn Faith Westerfield <3
Infertility ~ Hope ~ Joy
Bob and I had a long journey of infertility that began in 2005. We went to Minneapolis where he had a vasectomy reversal surgery. In the months that followed, we learned that although the surgery was successful, we still would not be able to get pregnant on our own. After much devastation and literally crying out to God on my kitchen floor following that phone call, we made an appointment with a urologist in Kettering to learn more. The urologist had a thick Indian accent and large glasses. It made for a very vivid memory when he stated, "Well, Bob, your problem is that you need 20 million soldiers marching in the same direction. What you have are 8 million soldiers marching around in soldiers...some without heads." Looking back it is quite a funny image, but at the time, it was not what we wanted to hear.
The doctor referred us to the Cleveland Clinic Fertility Center where we found hope. This was the first time I had heard of in vitro ICSI. They are able to circumvent the need for the sperm to break through the egg on it's own and instead insert one of Bob's healthy sperm into my egg. In January 2007, 18 months after the original surgery in Minnesota, we went through this process. As a result we had 16 fertilized eggs. At the 5 days stage of development we had 6 surviving blastocysts. We transferred 2 fresh embryos that month and froze the remaining 4.
In September 2007, we experienced a flawless pregnancy and welcomed Boyd Douglas & Benjamin Charles into the world ~ what a joy!
In August 2009, we were ready for another round of in vitro. Two of the blastocysts thawed flawlessly and we transferred them up at the Cleveland Clinic. In September we found out we were pregnant and the day before Thanksgiving we learned at Bright Beginnings in Springboro that we were having one girl. In May 2010, we welcomed Elle Marie Westerfield into the world. After her birth we had this feeling that we weren't finished yet.
Over the next 18 months the decision on what to do with the final 2 embryos weighed heavily on our hearts. We asked for prayer on what to do and really felt like none of the options; donate, destroy or do nothing ~ were not good options. God gave us 6 embryos for a reason and although our hectic lifestyles made another set of twins seem unmanageable, we made the decision to see what His plan was for us.
On February 14, 2012 we transferred the remaining two embryos. Two weeks later we learned that we were in fact pregnant! Four weeks later we learned that we were having one baby.
The doctor referred us to the Cleveland Clinic Fertility Center where we found hope. This was the first time I had heard of in vitro ICSI. They are able to circumvent the need for the sperm to break through the egg on it's own and instead insert one of Bob's healthy sperm into my egg. In January 2007, 18 months after the original surgery in Minnesota, we went through this process. As a result we had 16 fertilized eggs. At the 5 days stage of development we had 6 surviving blastocysts. We transferred 2 fresh embryos that month and froze the remaining 4.
In September 2007, we experienced a flawless pregnancy and welcomed Boyd Douglas & Benjamin Charles into the world ~ what a joy!
In August 2009, we were ready for another round of in vitro. Two of the blastocysts thawed flawlessly and we transferred them up at the Cleveland Clinic. In September we found out we were pregnant and the day before Thanksgiving we learned at Bright Beginnings in Springboro that we were having one girl. In May 2010, we welcomed Elle Marie Westerfield into the world. After her birth we had this feeling that we weren't finished yet.
Over the next 18 months the decision on what to do with the final 2 embryos weighed heavily on our hearts. We asked for prayer on what to do and really felt like none of the options; donate, destroy or do nothing ~ were not good options. God gave us 6 embryos for a reason and although our hectic lifestyles made another set of twins seem unmanageable, we made the decision to see what His plan was for us.
On February 14, 2012 we transferred the remaining two embryos. Two weeks later we learned that we were in fact pregnant! Four weeks later we learned that we were having one baby.
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