Tuesday morning I awoke after a great night's sleep to my dear husband weeping at my bedside. It took me by surprise, because once again, I had not seen him cry for more than 30 seconds in the 10 years that I've known him. I was not aware of the shift in concern by the medical staff as he was, but Bob was greatly concerned for my health. He stated that he was up all night worried about losing me. He repeated over and over that the baby was in heaven and that we had to make decisions based on my health and not the baby's remains. In those minutes, I'm not sure I have ever felt so loved by Bob ~ even on our wedding day.
Sometime during one of the nightly check-ups, my water had broken. This put my health at risk because of the toxins that could be released into my bloodstream. We NEEDED to get the baby out of me. The Contemporary OBGYN doctors met in a round table discussion that morning to discuss my condition. Amy Byerly, my beloved doctor, was not on call that week, but was able to contribute to my care. She was heartbroken over our circumstances. I was thankful that Dr Sharp was taking such provisions by seeking wisdom from her partners. Our choices were limited;
1) Continue to take the medicine that had been failing us for over 30 hours.
2) Continue to check the dilation of the cervix and pray that we can get in a mechanical device that would dilate me to 3-4 cm (I was at 1 cm).
3) C-section ~ the doctors ruled out this option right away because my uterus was still too thick.
4) D & E ~ this procedure had previously scared me a great deal as they said there was only one doctor in the Dayton area who could do the surgery and he is very secretive because he performs late term abortions. This fact, made my head and stomach ache. I was willing to do anything, but go this route. However, God knew exactly what I needed. When we met with Dr Sharp later that morning, she told me that they had found a Dr McClusky from Far Hills OB/GYN who was trained for D & E's for these circumstances, but had never performed an abortion. I was so relieved!
When Dr Sharp met with us about our options, she also said, that because of the chance of surgery, I was not able to eat or drink the rest of the day. Great...no food since Sunday, but now no broth, no water?
Still, this was my low point in the week. I had become comfortable over the 30 hours of birthing the baby, seeing the sex, holding the baby in a blanket, having pictures taken, footprints & handprints taken and having time with our child. Now, I was being told that if progress wasn't made by 3 pm, that they would have to take the baby and unfortunately the baby would come out in pieces. There would not likely be the option to see the baby and it was unlikely that they would be able to tell the sex. This was devastating to me.
Fortunately, Ashley, our nurse, called Children's in Cincinnati and found out that we could pay $1800 to have the remains sent to them and they could do genetic testing that would determine the sex. This was a relief to me as at least I wouldn't have to live with the fact that we wouldn't know because I couldn't dilate.
At 1 o'clock, Dr Sharp and Ashley decided to put in the mechanical device to help dilate the cervix in a last ditch effort. This procedure was extremely painful despite the morphine they gave me and the epidural. Bob held my hand the entire time.
In the hour that followed, my dad and Joyce arrived and sat with us. Their next door neighbor is a highly trained OB/GYN doctor and we were able to talk to her about where we stood and what our options were. This is another way that God provided me with peace. She had a list of recommendations of which I discussed with my doctor. The issue was that even if the mechanical devices were able to get me to 3-4cm, the medicine was not successfully causing me to dilate. Because I was 16 weeks, the receptors had not yet been developed that react to petocin. The medicine I was taking was my only option and because of a pH balance or something unknown, my body was not responding. After all the advice and discussion and with the time that God provided us with, we had come to a conclusion without regret, that I would have the D & E surgery.
Because bones were involved, it is a delicate surgery. The bones could puncture my bladder, uterus or other organs if it wasn't done with the training that was needed. Again, so thankful hat Dr McClusky was available.
I then had decisions to make regarding anesthesia. At the end of all the pros and cons of the options there, we settled on general anesthesia.
I called Paul Wilkins again and asked him to come pray. Heidi was working and I felt very unsettled about all of the days events. Both Paul and Jerry Ittel from Southbrook came up to be with us. Together, with Bob & Joyce, they laid hands on me and prayed. Jerry shared that he had lost a son at 7 months into the pregnancy. They left at 3 pm, when they told me the surgery prep would begin. Once again, I felt peace settle in.
At 3 pm, they checked my cervix once more and still no progress, despite the mechanical device. Surgery was inevitable.
At 4:22 pm (our wedding day), I was rolled back into surgery. I remember asking for music and that was the last thing I remembered. At 5:30 they were rolling me back into my room and were allowing me to recover in my hospital room with family. For that I was immediately thankful. My very first question for the doctor was, "could we tell the sex?" Dr Sharp stated that they all agreed, it was a BOY. I cannot even explain the surprise comfort I had with this answer. Bob and I had spent 10 times longer deciding on a girl's name than a boy's name and had desired a girl for Elle to have a sister so badly...more than we even realized. With the high heart rates (myth), I felt like it was a girl all along. With it being a boy, I didn't have to mourn the loss of a sister for Elle. For whatever reason, there was a comfort in that fact.
They told me that baby had been "born" at 4:30 pm.
I then asked how big that baby was, and the doctor stated, "It was about the size of the palm of your hand". Immediately my mind was racing, "Palm of your hand. Palm of your hand. Why is that so familiar?" I had been listening to Eagle's Wings over and over for the 3 days previous.
And he will raise you up on eagle's wings, bear you on the breath of
dawn, make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of his
hand.
When I first laid eyes on Bob, I told him, "Bob, Tyler! Tyler is our baby!" I was still fairly sedated, but we were so joyous in those moments following surgery.
The nurse than shared that they were able to give me the proof of life I needed. They took a photo of the babies precious tiny feet beneath a blanket and bear that they were giving us to take home.
The night was a celebration of life and all that we had to be thankful for. My dad brought us Smashburger (which I ate in 5 minutes flat), my sister brought me an Ele cupcake from work, Missy brought poundcake and goodies, Joyce brought Strawberry Cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory, Jenn B brought chips & guacamole and Matt & Katie brought my favorite Coldstone ice cream. I didn't eat it all, but I was well fed after 48 hours of no food.
I don't know if it was from the pain killers I was on or not, but I laughed a lot that night...surrounded by great friends and family. God had given me everything I had needed amongst everything that I never would have wanted.
