Grief from nowhere

On our annual Dart Vacation to Laramie, we tried to figure out a way to help a family.

The family we found was from Cheyenne, worked in Laramie, and were spending their days in the Children's Hospital of Denver.  Their son, born in May, had heart issues that would eventually require him to have a full heart transplant.

We were going through Denver anyway, so we decided to stop and meet this family.  As soon as this sweet couple allowed me to hold their son, grief came at me like a freight truck that I never saw coming.  I was so full of grief that I wanted nothing more than to wail at the top of my lungs.  Holding this newborn (first baby i had held since) was more than I could bare.  I felt overwhelmed with desire to have Tyler in my arms ~ even if he had a difficult heart condition ~ at least he would be with us and living.

I knew that I would get through the moment because we were strangers to these people and I HAD to hold it together in fear that I would freak them out.  Plus, all the family was waiting for us to go to dinner.

It wasn't an opportune time to grieve, but then again ~ when is?

Butterflies

I wonder if the gift of butterflies is something that will continue forever.  I sure hope so, because I love it.  Sure I seek them out whenever I can and I'm certain that I am more aware than I used to be.  However, I am blown away by the timing sometimes.

As we started a 12 hour day at Lagoonland in Salt Lake City, the five of us and Jean walked through the gates and immediately Jean said, "Look, it's Tyler"!  This giant butterfly was following us through the gates and the entry walk.  It was as if he was along for the fun.

On the 4th of July, we were celebrating the start of the day with a Pancake Breakfast at the community center in Paradise, Michigan.  Grandma & Grandpa were with us too.  As we were joyfully walking down to the water through a sea of purple flowers, Bob pointed out a gorgeous monarch butterfly.  Again, "with us" in a great family moment.

Again, during our trip up here to Michigan, Bob and Grandpa took the boys up to the North Shore for a day of swimming and boating.  They had an incredible time together.  When Bob came home, he had recorded a beautiful butterfly flittering along on the beach.  This was particularly heartening because it was "guy time" and Tyler would have been right there with them in spirit :-)

I often day dream about what might have been.  I understand that God has His reasons and knows what is best for us.  Some days when the kids are acting up, I'm not sure how we could have managed raising four young children, but others there is nothing I would rather do.

For now, my grief will be lighter because of the gift of a butterfly.

June 15th, 2012

We were on a two week road trip out west on the 15th of June.  I woke up that morning in sadness.  Where did a month go?  The more time passes on, the more I fear his memory will be lost into the abyss of tomorrows.  I prayed to God to please give me a sign so that I would know that Tyler is with Him waiting for a promised reunion for eternity.

Somewhere in Nebraska, we pulled into a major truck stop to get coffee and gas.  Here is what I saw the minute I walked through the doors of the truck stop:

The title of the book has one of my favorite verses on it: Jeremiah 29:11 and says Promises for Life.

That's what I wanted, a promise for life everlasting with the child I never knew ~ and He comforted me in a way that only the Great  Comforter can.