Mother's Day

Mother's Day this year was a dark, dreary and rainy day.  For several days prior, I had not been feeling like myself.  I was ultra-sensitive and emotional.  On the way to church that morning I actually turned around from the front seat and screamed at Boyd & Ben for continuing to make annoying noises with their guns.  I couldn't figure out why I was so testy.  We passed by the Miami Valley Memorial gardens on the way to church and there appeared to be a man with three young girls standing under and umbrella at a grave site.  It was more than I could handle.  I tried hard all through the service to feel the spirit and lift myself up, but it was difficult.

When we got home, my aunt Sue had come over and prepared lunch for everyone.  Joyce and dad, Kate and Martha were all there.  We ate a very nice meal.

At 12:45 we left to go meet Matt, Katie & her family for a 4D ultrasound at Bright Beginnings in Springboro.  We had gotten a gift certificate for Matt & Katie for Matt's birthday in January.  It was an exciting time to see their baby.  I managed to feel a bit better seeing that little angel on the big screen.

After they left and we paid the owners, we asked if we could possibly find out the sex of our baby.  They had no other appointments and we were going to be 16 weeks two days later.  Barbie said, "I can get it.  I know I can."  We were very excited.  We went back into the room and laid down on the bed while she began to scan our baby. 

At first she stated that the baby was in a fetal position and asked me to get up and move around a bit.  When I laid back down she tried again and quickly said, "If I were you, I would get to the hospital right away.  I'm not picking up any heart tones". 

The drive from Bright Beginnings to Sycamore Hospital was a blur.  I don't remember any of it.  I do remember that the doctors and nurses at the Sycamore ER were very compassionate and they saw us right away.  I think we waited a total of 20 minutes until we had the ultrasound machine hooked up.  Unlike the hospital in Florida, we were able to be together and we were able to see the monitor. 

We could see the flat line on the heart monitor and they confirmed that the baby had other signs of death like a full bladder and swollen kidneys.  They were so kind and printed out last pictures of our baby.  They were not able to tell the sex because of the position of the baby.  They estimated based on size that the baby had been dead for 4 or 5 days.

Bob and I cried together and then got dressed.  In my mind, it made sense.  My HCG levels must have been sinking hence the mood changes.  My hormones were all over the place.  I had also noticed in the few days previous that my bras weren't fitting which is a natural occurance when the body behaves as if I had given birth. 

I got dressed and was ready to go home and be with my family when the doctor came in and shared that my life was at risk.  I needed to give birth to the baby that night or the toxins in my womb could be lethal. 

I felt numb.